The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Randomize