I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Randomize
