Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
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