First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
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