k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Randomize
