I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
