I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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