there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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