Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
