My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
