The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
