seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
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