I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
