I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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