I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
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