I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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