I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
