I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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