you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
