from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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