I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
