If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
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