Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
there was a trapeze. enough said
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
