Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
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