the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
It's never too late to be topless.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
