you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Randomize
