My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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