i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
