is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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