you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
