Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
She told me I should be a condom model.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
