Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
