I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
