I met the friendliest cop last night
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
