Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize