do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
