My friends, they love my intelligence
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
