dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
So there's 10 guys in this picture..I've made out with 5 of them. does this make me a slut?
eh 50% isn't bad..i'd say 80% is slut material.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
