try this...when you orgasm scream his address including city state and zip...
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
