I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
