I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
It's no shave November. This is our time.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Randomize
