need another drink. this is the easiest way
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
