my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Randomize
