I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
