i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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