Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
