my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
