how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
