im six kinds of drunk right now
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
