The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
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