I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Fucking hipsters really piss me off man. They are just such punk as bitches, all of them. Oh, and fuck Ed Hardy too.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
