your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
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