did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
