I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
