I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
