You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
it's like iHOP with fire
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
