Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
We were destined to go to rehab together
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
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