when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
