we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
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