The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
