I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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