Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
How does one acquire holy water?
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Randomize
