i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
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